Wednesday, 17 January 2018

I Don't Feel Like Talking

Today I should be 9 and a half weeks pregnant, I guess I am 9 and a half weeks pregnant, but the baby inside me stopped growing a few weeks ago. They have no heart beat. I will no longer be having a baby this August.



I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to accept it and now I’m in a strange numb place. I have been told my baby is gone, but I can’t move on because my body clings on to the remnants of my 3rd child just as I tried to hang on to the hope that everything would be ok. 

Instead of fearing the cramps and bleeding that will mark the end, I wish for them. How can I begin to move on when I still have the miscarriage to complete?

I have logged out of social media which is unheard of for me. My hands don’t know what to do without the constant checking of news feeds. I feel alone, but every time I check I just see more pregnancy announcements and baby pictures. I’m not ready for that. There are people announcing children which will arrive when mine should have, but mine won’t. How do I look at their growing tummies and see their baby without thinking of my baby who I will never know? I don’t even know if they were a girl or a boy.

We tried for this baby for more than 6 months and finally I got the 2 blue lines. And now just a few months later they are gone.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to feel. This morning I burst into tears at the gym because they had run out of towels. I had forced myself to go, to try and continue as normal, but it went wrong and it was too much for me. I feel nothing then I fall apart and can’t stop crying.  I don’t want this new future. I want my baby back.

Written 16th January 2018
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7 comments

  1. Lots of love, I can only imagine what you're going through xx

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  2. I'm so sorry my lovely. Sending you all the love and hugs in the world xxx

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  3. I am so sorry! Sending you love and hugs. xxx

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  4. Oh lovely Kate, I feel for you so much. My heart breaks for you. I know how much you must be yearning for this baby. Please know that I'm here for you and I will do anything I can to help. Hugs Lucy xxxx

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  5. Lots of love going from me to you as always dear Kate xxxx

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  6. lots of love Kate, I've been there myself. The physical pain I coped ok with, I was unprepared for the emotional pain. The feelings of loss never really go away you learn to accept them and carry on. I remember feeling like there was no way out,I felt empty. all I wanted was to be normal and pregnant again as that was my new normal state of being. I cried countless tears over our bump we never got to meet, I got angry at people with baby bumps I didn't want to see another pregnancy announcement. Like you I wanted my baby back. it was more than just 2 lines on a stick it was our child. Slowly I healed, I put myself back together and you will to, when you're ready. in the meantime cry, grieve, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you xxx

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