Monday, 29 January 2018

I'm Still Sad

There are only so many posts I can write about being sad so I will try and make this the last one. There are only so many times I can tell people I am struggling. People don’t want to hear about sad things. This morning I did the school run, something I have mostly avoided for the last couple of weeks. I was greeted by the Mums I saw with the normal “Hi, how are you?” Fortunately the “how are you?” is essentially just saying “hello” and there is no actual need to respond to it. I say “hi” back and smile. Does anyone notice the smile doesn’t reach my eyes? That I barely make eye contact?

A photograph looking out through an ornamental waterfall so that it looks like heavy rain


In longer social engagements with strangers I have to respond so give the polite “I’m fine thanks, you?”. I hate the English language and the need to be polite. I don’t want to be left alone, but I much prefer the neutral conversations about the weather than having to make out I’m ok. Just the question which makes me reflect on how I am feeling brings me to the edge of tears. I am sad. And it’s ok that I’m sad, I’m going to be sad for a while. I found out two weeks today that I was having a miscarriage after spending months trying to conceive. I don’t expect people to be sad with me or for me, but please don’t expect me to be ok. 

I go through the all the normal motions around people whether it’s at toddler group, in a shop or at social gatherings, but most of the time it feels like my body is on auto-pilot, I do everything without emotion, without actually wanting to engage. And then something happens. I feel negative emotions more strongly so if something makes me angry or upset I find it harder to maintain my balance than normal. Some one saying something which normally would barely irritate me causes me to shout. A mum with a newborn baby sitting next to me in the coffee shop made me cry.

I’ve had a lot of support over the last couple of weeks since I found out. I’ve had family here nearly every day, but now they are all gone and I face the next month without anyone being around. For some reason this has triggered a new wave of sadness and since yesterday afternoon I have burst into tears countless times. 

I have a toddler to look after. I have work to do. I have to carry on regardless of how I feel. Eventually I know it will get easier again, at some point my smiles will be genuine. The moments of happiness will last longer than a few seconds. But for now I am sad.
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4 comments

  1. Sending big hugs. It's only natural to be sad and emotional. Things will get easier. Thinking of you xxx

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    1. Thank you Kim, I appreciate your kind comments x

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  2. You are entitled to feel sad. Talk about your feelings and sadness, please don't bottle them up like it is the done thing

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    1. Thank you Sarah. I'm trying to talk to people, but I'm finding I'm avoid situations and people where it's expected I am ok. I think I just need to give myself a bit longer to grieve.

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