Thursday, 29 March 2018

20 Weeks (Not) Pregnant

*Trigger warning, baby loss*

At 20 weeks excited pregnant ladies are attending their anomaly scans. It’s the scan where you can find out if you are going to have a boy or a girl. I should be having my 20 week scan around now, no, not should, would. Should implies that I did something to stop it happening and I have to believe that what happened was fate, that losing my baby before our first scan was meant to be. Yet I can’t stop saying “should”.

20 week pregnancy scan image
20 week scan image from my second daughter

I can’t help wondering whether I would be having another little girl or my first son. The days have past where I cried daily tears over my loss, but there are still moments it gets to me. There often doesn’t appear to be a reason why, but I start thinking about the child I will never hold in my arms and the tears begin to flow.

It’s been harder this week. I think it’s because of the gender announcements all over social media. The constant reminder of what I would be experiencing if life had different plans. Every pregnant woman I see I look at the size of their belly and wonder what size mine would have been now. Images shared by those due between July and September are the hardest. 

I was due mid-August. We didn’t book a summer holiday because we thought I would be too pregnant to fly and now that we can travel I struggle to find the motivation to book a holiday. A holiday that shouldn’t be happening.

As the weeks pass the immediate grief lessens yet the sense of loss seems to grow. At 10 weeks there was little to show for my pregnancy, but at 20 weeks I should be feeling my baby kick. I think I will always feel a loss as I see the babies being born that would have been the same age, I will see other children grow older and I have nothing of mine. I see my ghost bump in my head and I feel there is a hole where it should be. I can see this summer in my mind with my daughters cuddling their younger sibling in the sunshine, but it will never happen. 

Ultrasound images showing only a small amount of remaining tissue after a miscarriage
Scan of my near empty womb during my miscarriage

I don’t know if I will have another child. As each month passes it becomes harder. I have given myself a deadline and if we aren’t successfully pregnant by then I will force myself to move on. At some point the reasons to have another child will outweigh the reasons to have one.  And I know that even if we do have another child that it won’t fill the gap around my dining table, it won’t fix the part of my heart that is missing because my child that was never born will never be there. That can not be changed and it won’t be forgotten. 

There should be a little life growing stronger inside of me and instead I am empty. 

SHARE:

4 comments

  1. Sending you a big hug. Thinking of you xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh lovely, this brought tears to my eyes. I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m always here for you if you need to chat. All my love Lucy xxxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Lucy, I'm ok. Some days are just harder than others x

      Delete

BLOGGER TEMPLATE MADE BY pipdig