Tomorrow it will be 5 years since I became a mummy. It’s your 5th birthday. I am excited to spend the day with you. I really hope you have a lovely day, that your party goes to plan and you have an amazing time. 

We don’t always have the best relationship. We shout at each in frustration and lose our temper. I’m sorry about that. It’s because we are so similar that at times we get mad at each other. Sometimes we need space from each other, but I miss you when you aren’t around. 

The last couple of years I haven’t been with you as much as I would have liked. Having you only half the time has been really hard. I hope I’ve been there when it matters: your birthdays, Christmas, the first day of school. I hope you know I’ll always be there when it matters. I’ll always try and be there when you want me.

I am so proud of you. My biggest little girl. You are beautiful, smart and funny. 

You surprise me with your imagination, your knowledge, the way you think. I love how caring you are. It has made me so happy how much you love your little sister. Right from the beginning you have shown her so much love, you have been so gentle and caring. You are such a brilliant big sister.

It frustrates me when you have a meltdown instead of asking for help or saying what you want. I hope I can help you with that given time. For now you are only 4 so I know I need to give you time and support to learn to manage your emotions.

You have started school this month and are learning to read. You often get frustrated and move on to something you find easier, but every so often you will surprise me by reading a word, by making up a rhyme or by writing something. You like writing letters in your notebooks, pretending it’s proper writing. I remember doing the same when I was little.

You love to make new friends and we can’t go to a playground without you finding someone to play with and getting them to play games with you. I hope you make some good friends at school because I know you crave friendship so much. I sometimes wish you had a sibling closer in age to you, but I think you’ve enjoyed having the attention so maybe that worked out ok.

I often listen to you when you are in another room. I learn about what is going on in your life from your games with your toys. You don’t like to talk about what you do at school or your Dad’s no matter how creatively I ask. It makes me sad that I don’t know so much of what is going on in your life, but all I really want is for you to be happy.

Bed time continues to be a battle. You have never gone to sleep easily. Your mind is so active it keeps you awake. I spend hours trying to calm you down enough to sleep. I get so tired of all the excuses, the pushing my buttons. I need a little bit of time each day to myself. 1 hour isn’t a lot to ask is it? I try and make time to spend with you, but you choose to watch TV or go on the iPad instead. It’s only when I tell you it’s bedtime that you seem to want to cling to me. Recently I have been leaving you to get yourself to sleep so we don’t argue, but every single night you are here I go into your room when you are asleep. I check you are ok, and kiss your cheek. You always looks so tired in the morning, I hope one day you will learn to sleep so you have the energy to do all the wonderful things you want to do.

I have less and less photographs of you as you get older. This is a sign of how fast you move, how independent you are becoming. You often wont let me take pictures of you and I miss having this record of you growing up. I will keep trying though. I make no apology that I want to capture every day and memories of us as a family. My records are not complete without you.

We may not always get on, but when we do it is so much fun. I will always love you. You made me a mummy. I’m so proud of you. Tomorrow you will be 5 years old and I am so excited for the year ahead.