Their Brain Isn't Finished

The part of the brain that handles impulse control, planning and emotional regulation is the last to develop, and in a two-year-old it's barely started. A toddler has is a fully functioning emotional system and almost no ability to manage it. When they can't get their jumper over their head or reach for their favourite toy, the frustration is felt at full volume, and they can't turn it down on their own. 

Distraction may work if you get in fast enough, but reasoning with a child mid-tantrum doesn't work because the logic processing part isn't available. Shouting or telling them off wont work either, because in that moment they are struggling to control those big emotions. Instead try to keep calm while staying close by and keeping them safe. Once they are calm again you can talk it through and try and solve the problem together so they can manage better next time. 

They Can't Say What They Mean

Between about eighteen months and three years, a child's understanding of the world races ahead of their speech. Your toddler often knows exactly what they want, but they can't find a the words to say it which can quickly make them feel angry. Frustration in this window often eases as their vocabulary grows. It can help some children to learn some baby sign language or have picture cards to point to for some of the common requests.

It's also important to name the feeling for them in simple words while it is happening.  Saying something like "you're sad/ angry/ frustrated because your tower fell down" sounds basic, but it helps them in many ways. Firstly it helps them understand what the emotion they are feeling is, secondly it shows you are recognising and acknowledging that feeling, and finally it teaches them that they can use words to express their big emotions and get a response from you, rather than needing to use physical and sometimes destructive, actions.

They're Tired, And Tired Toddlers Are Furious

Sleep is behind the majority of toddler meltdowns. A tired toddler (just like a tired adult) has even less emotional regulation than usual. You might notice that the temper often appears at predictable times, like late afternoon, the hour before bed or in the morning after a broken nights sleep.  Early waking, a dropped nap that wasn't quite ready to be dropped, or a bedtime that's crept later all show up as anger.

Most toddlers need somewhere between eleven and fourteen hours sleep in twenty-four hours, including naps. Improving sleep is often the single most effective thing a parent can do to reduce daily tantrums, but I know from experience this isn't easy. Try going back to the basics of a regular bedtime, a dark room, a predictable bedtime routine and a bed the child sleeps well in. The move from cot to bed, in particular, often coincides with a spike in temper because sleep gets disrupted for a few weeks. It helps if the new bed is genuinely comfortable, supportive and the right size; parents who explore mattresses for younger sleepers before the move rather than reusing whatever they already have tend to have an easier transition, since a child who sleeps well is a child who has more patience in reserve by teatime.

They're Hungry

Blood sugar levels and toddler mood are closely linked. That sudden meltdown at half past eleven or four in the afternoons is often triggered by hunger. Regular meals and snacks, with some protein and healthy fats in them help keep their energy steady. Remember young children need to eat far more frequently than us adults. Keeping a quick snack in your bag whenever you leave the house can make a big difference if you end up staying out longer than expected or you can't find anywhere suitable to eat. 

They Want Control And Have None

A toddler's day is largely made up of things being done to them. They get dressed in clothes chosen for them at a time adults decide, they are given food chose by the adult when the parent decides it's time to eat, they are told what to play with and when to stop playing, they are taken out when the adult decides and strapped into a car seat or pushchair before being taken somewhere they had no input into. Anger can be a bid of independence, the toddlers way of trying to have some control. The easiest response is to offer small choices where you can. 

Offer two options that both work for you: the red cup or the blue one, taking the stairs or the lift, or wearing the blue jumper instead of the stripey one. Giving them ownership over small decisions makes them less likely to dig their heels in over everything else. 

Big Changes Come Out As Anger

A new baby, moving home, starting nursery or a parent returning to work or even a developmental leap can all trigger angry outbursts. Toddlers don't have the words to explain that they are feeling anxious and they might not even know why they are feeling unsettled, but they do understand that things don't feel right to them. This can come out sideways as anger.  

The reaction often lags behind the change by a few weeks and can seem to come out of nowhere. Extra time, extra reassurance with some quality one on one time and a bit more patience about minor misbehaviours will help them work through it. 

What Helps In The Moment

Stay calm, or at least pretend to be which is nearly as good. Get down to their eye level, avoid lecturing and let the anger run it's course safely. Once they are calm, name the feeling and give them a hug. Don't give them a lecture, but where actions are unacceptable make this clear and provide an alternative that works for you eg "It's not ok to hit me, next time squeeze this teddy instead".  Consistency matters more than technique; a child who knows that tantrums produce the same calm response every time stops using them to test boundaries or get their own way.  

When To Ask For Help

Most toddler anger is completely normal, but there are times it is worth checking in with a professional. Speak to your GP or health visitor if tantrums routinely last over half an hour, involve self-harm, happen many times a day past the age of four, or that come with a loss of skills or drastic changes in eating or sleeping. It's also always worth asking for help or support if you are struggling to stay calm in response or you are struggling to cope.  

When your calm toddler has an outburst of rage it can help to remember that the causes of toddler anger usually comes down to a few basic triggers: their developing brain, limited ability to communicate, tiredness, hunger, a lack of control and processing changes they can't name. Focusing on sleep, regular meals and offer simple choices will usually avoid the worst of the meltdowns. The anger will become less frequent and intense as your child grows so your focus right now is to keep them safe, stay calm and make the tricky days a little easier for both of your to navigate.