Saturday, 20 January 2018

My Miscarriage | A Few Days On

Less than a week ago I was thinking through all the practical things I needed to do ready for having my 3rd child this summer. Now none of them matter any more and I keep being reminded that I am no longer pregnant. It’s a strange thing when your pregnancy ends without a baby. With my previous pregnancies I had spent the last few months looking forward to the food and drink I would be able to have post birth, but now when people encourage me to have liver to build my iron levels up it stabs me in the heart. Oh yes I can have that now I suppose.

A view from a hospital trolley being wheeled down a long hospital corridor


This weekend is not how I thought it would be. I was hoping to have fun to celebrate G’s birthday. I wanted to go to the zoo today. I can’t even walk up the stairs without needing to sit down. I am anaemic and my whole body is confused about what’s going on. My head hurts and my brain is mixed up. I keep getting words wrong. 

Tomorrow we were meant to be meeting the Teletubbies to celebrate their new Follow The Leader DVD release (such is the normal random nature of my life) but making and eating breakfast this morning lead to me having a 2 hour nap so I don’t think I can make it to town. 

I’m still mostly mentally numb about the miscarriage, but my emotions are all over the place. Normal social interactions make me want to cry or shout. I hate being so incapable, so weak, so empty.

I started bleeding Tuesday, but on Wednesday evening the bleeding became so heavy I could barely stand. An ambulance ride lead to a night and a day in hospital. A frustrating stay where the overworked staff had little time for me. I was alone, cold and hungry. I hadn’t eaten for 24 hours by the time they did a procedure to remove the remaining tissue from me. I just wanted to go home to hug my girls and G. 

A sonographer and nurse in the EGU at Whipps Cross Hospital were incredibly kind and the two guys from the East of England paramedic crew were great, but I could write a whole posts about the inadequacies of the rest of the visit.

So now I’ve been home for nearly 2 days and I feel in no way healed. My body, mind and heart are all broken. There is a world going on outside my window which I have neither the physical or mental energy to be a part of.

Yes I know it will take time. So many wonderful people have messaged me to let me know it gets easier, to be gentle on myself, but anyone who knows me will know I’m not the patient sort. I hate failing and I hate not being able to do things myself. I hate the blood stained clothes and blood splatters that I keep finding around the house but don’t have the energy to clean. 


I've spent the day mostly in bed or on the sofa resting, while my partner and toddler continue the normal activities of eating, drinking and playing. I’m struggling to interact with my toddler and partner. It feels like they are in a different world to me. I want hugs, I want to feel better, I want to have some hope again. 
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4 comments

  1. I’m so sorry for your loss.
    I had a stay in hospital for same reason several years ago. I was also anemic and I had prolonged bleeding for about 6 weeks after.
    I cried a lot, why me? But there was no reason..
    I ate lots of red meat and broccoli to help with the anaemia, and to make myself strong for my other children.
    Give yourself time, hour by hour if need be. Big hugs xxx

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss 💚💚💚

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  3. So sorry to hear of your loss. xx

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