I'm Still Sad

There are only so many posts I can write about being sad so I will try and make this the last one. There are only so many times I can tell people I am struggling. People don’t want to hear about sad things. This morning I did the school run, something I have mostly avoided for the last couple of weeks. I was greeted by the Mums I saw with the normal “Hi, how are you?” Fortunately the “how are you?” is essentially just saying “hello” and there is no actual need to respond to it. I say “hi” back and smile. Does anyone notice the smile doesn’t reach my eyes? That I barely make eye contact?

A photograph looking out through an ornamental waterfall so that it looks like heavy rain

In longer social engagements with strangers I have to respond so give the polite “I’m fine thanks, you?”. I hate the English language and the need to be polite. I don’t want to be left alone, but I much prefer the neutral conversations about the weather than having to make out I’m ok. Just the question which makes me reflect on how I am feeling brings me to the edge of tears. I am sad. And it’s ok that I’m sad, I’m going to be sad for a while. I found out two weeks today that I was having a miscarriage after spending months trying to conceive. I don’t expect people to be sad with me or for me, but please don’t expect me to be ok. 

I go through the all the normal motions around people whether it’s at toddler group, in a shop or at social gatherings, but most of the time it feels like my body is on auto-pilot, I do everything without emotion, without actually wanting to engage. And then something happens. I feel negative emotions more strongly so if something makes me angry or upset I find it harder to maintain my balance than normal. Some one saying something which normally would barely irritate me causes me to shout. A mum with a newborn baby sitting next to me in the coffee shop made me cry.

I’ve had a lot of support over the last couple of weeks since I found out. I’ve had family here nearly every day, but now they are all gone and I face the next month without anyone being around. For some reason this has triggered a new wave of sadness and since yesterday afternoon I have burst into tears countless times. 

I have a toddler to look after. I have work to do. I have to carry on regardless of how I feel. Eventually I know it will get easier again, at some point my smiles will be genuine. The moments of happiness will last longer than a few seconds. But for now I am sad.


  1. Sending big hugs. It's only natural to be sad and emotional. Things will get easier. Thinking of you xxx

  2. You are entitled to feel sad. Talk about your feelings and sadness, please don't bottle them up like it is the done thing

    1. Thank you Sarah. I'm trying to talk to people, but I'm finding I'm avoid situations and people where it's expected I am ok. I think I just need to give myself a bit longer to grieve.


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