I Don't Feel Like Talking

Today I should be 9 and a half weeks pregnant, I guess I am 9 and a half weeks pregnant, but the baby inside me stopped growing a few weeks ago. They have no heart beat. I will no longer be having a baby this August.

I knew something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to accept it and now I’m in a strange numb place. I have been told my baby is gone, but I can’t move on because my body clings on to the remnants of my 3rd child just as I tried to hang on to the hope that everything would be ok. 

Instead of fearing the cramps and bleeding that will mark the end, I wish for them. How can I begin to move on when I still have the miscarriage to complete?

I have logged out of social media which is unheard of for me. My hands don’t know what to do without the constant checking of news feeds. I feel alone, but every time I check I just see more pregnancy announcements and baby pictures. I’m not ready for that. There are people announcing children which will arrive when mine should have, but mine won’t. How do I look at their growing tummies and see their baby without thinking of my baby who I will never know? I don’t even know if they were a girl or a boy.

We tried for this baby for more than 6 months and finally I got the 2 blue lines. And now just a few months later they are gone.

I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know what to feel. This morning I burst into tears at the gym because they had run out of towels. I had forced myself to go, to try and continue as normal, but it went wrong and it was too much for me. I feel nothing then I fall apart and can’t stop crying.  I don’t want this new future. I want my baby back.

Written 16th January 2018


  1. Lots of love, I can only imagine what you're going through xx

  2. I'm so sorry my lovely. Sending you all the love and hugs in the world xxx

  3. I am so sorry! Sending you love and hugs. xxx

  4. Oh lovely Kate, I feel for you so much. My heart breaks for you. I know how much you must be yearning for this baby. Please know that I'm here for you and I will do anything I can to help. Hugs Lucy xxxx

  5. Lots of love going from me to you as always dear Kate xxxx

  6. lots of love Kate, I've been there myself. The physical pain I coped ok with, I was unprepared for the emotional pain. The feelings of loss never really go away you learn to accept them and carry on. I remember feeling like there was no way out,I felt empty. all I wanted was to be normal and pregnant again as that was my new normal state of being. I cried countless tears over our bump we never got to meet, I got angry at people with baby bumps I didn't want to see another pregnancy announcement. Like you I wanted my baby back. it was more than just 2 lines on a stick it was our child. Slowly I healed, I put myself back together and you will to, when you're ready. in the meantime cry, grieve, and surround yourself with those who love and care about you xxx


Thanks for your comment (unless it's spam in which case, why?)