Monday, 20 August 2018

My Due Date And Pregnancy After Loss

Last week was my due date. Not for the baby in my tummy which I have just started to feel kick, but for my little one who didn’t make it this far. Healing from miscarriage is different for everyone, but I didn’t think my due date would pass without tears, without me really even noticing. It was only when the lovely Lauren from Dilan and Me mentioned on Instagram that it was her due date for the baby she lost that I realised mine must be around now too. How different it feels to 20 weeks ago when I wrote about my struggles reading the gender announcements of others



Being pregnant again has helped with my grief, but not because the new baby is a replacement, they will never be that, but because the worry and anxiety that I will lose this one too fills me to the point that I don’t think about the loss. The loss of my last baby affects so much of what I feel each day, but the feelings are now focused on fear of future loss instead of tears for what has already happened.

Whenever I talk about my anxiety about this pregnancy, whether to friends or medical professionals, they say it’s totally understandable. It’s nice that I am considered normal (ish) for what is essential an over the top feeling. It’s considered rational to worry.

My baby had a name. If things had been different would I be holding them in my arms now? From the moment I had the positive line on the pregnancy test we referred to the baby by a particular name. A name that G had said in the past he would want for a boy. A name I didn’t really like, but that I was happy to call them until we chose another. Just like we had called Little “Poppy” throughout my pregnancy because when we found out I was pregnant she would have been the size of a poppy seed.

The hard thing now is that G would still like to use the name if we have a boy, but for me I already have a child by that name, just not one I will ever hold in my arms. This baby we call a different name every time we refer to it. Always a silly name, but never the same one. 

It seems strange that there is only a 21 week gap between their ages. How can a baby grow then die, the body heal and then conceive in such a short space of time? The heart doesn’t heal so quickly, but for us we needed to try again quickly. I needed to give it a final try before I made myself move on from the idea of having 3 children. 

I have my 20 week scan this week and I worry for what they will find. Yes I plan to find out their gender, but that is not what I am thinking about this scan. The 20 week scan is the anomaly scan because it’s then they do their best to identify any disabilities or problems with the developing baby. There is so much that can go wrong when a baby grows and it makes me anxious. I even worry if maybe I have lost the baby already, that the little kicks I believe I can feel are really my imagination protecting me from finding out the inevitable.

I miss my baby I should have met by now and I am excited about the baby I hope to meet in January. Having a miscarriage has changed me and the new me doesn't know what the future holds.

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