Why I don't want to get married ... again

Wedding season draws to a close for the year but my Facebook newsfeed is once again full of wedding photo's. Beautiful people in beautiful dresses. Smiling faces in sky blue bridesmaids dresses. People I once used to laugh with and think of as friends. People who have long forgotten me. You see all the photographs remind me of what would be missing from my wedding if I were ever to get married again... friends.

A blurred photo of people dancing in a hall at a wedding

The perfect wedding for me would involve a room full of people I love and care about. Some I see all the time and others I haven't seen for years. I know brides struggle to talk to everyone at large weddings, but it is so lovely to have people come together for you and to see their smiling faces. Is it the same if you only have a handful of people to invite?

Facebook has long since served as a reminder that most of my friends have moved on and left me behind, but it's hard to pinpoint when exactly this happened. 

After my eldest was born I went out less, it happens when you have a baby, particularly when your baby doesn't sleep. I couldn't travel easily to those that lived far away and to be honest an early night appealed more than going out to meet those living near London in a pub. A hangover wouldn't have been an option and it would have taken months to catch up from the lack of sleep. I was overwhelmed by the number of people who came to my eldest's christening five years ago, but many of the people I haven't heard from since. Over time the invites from the others have died down.

A struggling marriage and subsequent separation resulted in near silence. One did get in touch and ask if I wanted to meet up but he had become a mutual friend. I was worried about my ex's isolation at the time and suggested he needed the friendship more than me at that point.

There are some who never valued me as a friend. People who I made an effort to send presents and cards to who never acknowledged them. I recognise I have poor social skills, but this slight (or forgetfulness) hurt.

A blurred photo of a group of men dancing at a wedding with disco lights in the background

So now I'm sat here wondering who I would invite to a wedding. I barely have enough people to invite to a birthday and I imagine many would wonder why I was inviting them. I have mum friends of course (people I've met since having children), but so many of those don't reply to my messages. Suggestions of meeting up never turn in to anything.

I have a couple of close friends, but other than those the people I turn to when I have some exciting news to share, or heartache, are my family or blogging friends. They may all have other people they would contact first, but I know my BBC ladies will always be there for a virtual hug or high five. You can't fill a party full of efriends though, or can you?

I've blogged before about my loneliness and my struggle to make friends. I know the issue is mine and mine alone. When someone doesn't reply I give up too easily assuming lack of interest. I forget birthdays and anniversaries. I only remember to call at the most inappropriate times. And despite being a SAHM I am often busy working (blogging) in the day or being the only person who can get her youngest to sleep at night. That doesn't mean I don't care.

Congratulations to all who got married recently. While your photographs made my heart ache it was also filled with joy at your happiness. There have been many rooms full of people celebrating who have long forgotten me (and may never have given me a second thought), but there is a quiet room here with someone wishing you a life time of love, laughter and contentment.

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