I used to think having a newborn baby was hard until I had a newborn and an obstinate older child who refused to get dressed, get into her car seat and threw a tantrum if I only let her have one ice lolly at a time. 

I used to think having a newborn wasn’t so hard until I got one who cried a lot (colic?), rarely seemed to be happy, got his big sister’s cold and wanted to be held pretty much all the time (day and night). And at the same time I had 2 other children to look after.

It’s hard because having a fussy baby makes you feel guilty that you aren’t giving any of your children the attention they deserve. It’s hard because you feel a failure as a mum, because surely you should be able to make your baby happy? Surely you must know what’s wrong with them? You hear others talking about their chilled out, happy babies and you wonder what you have done wrong, or worse what you have done to deserve this. You feel jealousy and anger and you feel ripped off that these newborn happy snuggly days have been taken away from you because of the tears.

There is a big difference between having a baby who sleeps for several long naps a day in their cot and having one who will only sleep in your arms or in a sling. One mum has the time to relax, play with other children, tidy the house, workout. The other struggles to even have a shower without the accompaniment of a screaming baby soundtrack.

I worry about how much damage these tears, this anger is causing his developing brain. I worry that maybe there is something wrong that I’m missing. I worry that it is my fault.

He cries a lot. Some of that is due to constantly being taken in and out of the car while I take his sisters to school, nursery and playgroups. Some of that is due to his sleep constantly being disturbed by a 3 year old sister who doesn’t want him to be sleeping. And some of that seems to be due to him not liking the hours between 5 and 7 unless he has a nipple in his mouth, and even then he is prone to grumbling.

So many people said that a third child will just slot right in and adapt, that they have to. So many people said boys are more relaxed. Except my Baby Boy is angry. My Baby Boy doesn’t want to fit right in, he wants his presence to be known and he wants to be right here, with me at all times.

It is hard. So many days I find it really hard. I love my Baby Boy and I am finding moments to treasure, but there are many more I feel: doubt, guilt, frustration, sadness and even anger.

These newborn days are so short, I know they will soon just be a memory, but I can’t pretend that it is easy, that it is all beautiful or that this is how I thought it would be.