I am still scared of losing him

*Trigger warning: talks about baby loss*

Throughout this pregnancy I have lived with the fear of losing my baby. I lost the last one so it’s possible I could lose this one too. There is no reason why I should, but there is no known reason why I lost the last one either. At 29 weeks I can feel my son kicking away in my tummy, but everyday I live with the fear that I won’t ever see my little boy kicking a ball around in the garden.

A sunset over a field

The problem is that there is so much that can go wrong. It really is a miracle that we are able to grow new life inside us and that most of the time they turn out pretty perfect. How amazing is that? I’m in awe of the human body and what it can do. 

In pregnancy we have to have a blind faith that everything will be ok. We can’t see what is happening inside except on those all to rare ultrasounds, but we are expected to believe that our babies will be born alive and healthy because what other choice is there? The alternative is we spend week after week worrying and an unhealthy level of stress that is undoubtably bad for the baby. I’m left wondering whether it could be a self fulfilling prophesy? By worrying so much about my baby am I in fact harming him?

Because I do worry week after week and day after day that he is going to be ok. Some days I am totally fine, others it constantly fills my thoughts. Yes I know this is anxiety and on some days it’s at a level beyond what is normal for a pregnant woman. I’m told it’s understandable to feel worried, that after a previous miscarriage it is expected, but there have been a few days it’s been well beyond that. 

A sunset over a field

I feel my baby moving and that is great, but I over analyse each movement. I love the big strong kicks, but I only get a few of those a day so on the days where it’s just a fairly frequent low level of movement I spend so much time focusing on the movement that it does me no good. But what if he has slowed down? Should I go get checked? With a toddler in toe it isn’t like I can just hang around a hospital and I feel ridiculous asking my partner to take time off his new job to try and calm my paranoia. I’m sure people will say that I should go get checked if I’m worried, because that’s what you have to say. But it’s not that easy and I’m not sure if I have stopped worrying for the last 6 months. I have felt plenty of movement every day, but on some days the pattern differs, he might have a kick about in the evening rather than the morning. He is moving enough that he should be fine, but I spend the day sitting there waiting.

And what if there is a problem and I do nothing? What if my instinct is so finely tuned in that even though there continues to be a good amount of movement there is something wrong. What if I knew and did nothing? 

Baby Loss Awareness Week did nothing for my worries and the Wave of Light broke me. I support the week and believe it is important both to raise awareness and to remember publicly those who will never be forgotten privately, but all those stories fuelled my fears. There were too many candles burning for those who have gone.

I want to believe it will all be ok, but I have lost faith in my body. I don’t know how long my son will keep living for and there have been days I have felt myself shutting the world out so I can just focus on me and him.

Please be ok little one, please let me feel your hand wrap around my finger and please let me see you grow up with my girls. And please someone give me strength to believe this can happen because I get frightened and worried and I have no faith.

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